and are honestly scaring me because I think I'm not skilled/knowledgable/awesome enough for them
but if I can find the right collaborators i think I'll be OK
- I've always been more of an artistic director anyway

1. purple hearts society - a secret society involving solving puzzles based on darren hayes's lyrics (stemming from his latest album secret codes and batteships and the ARG/puzzle promos he had). also a space to share secrets and creative work sparked by darren hayes.
need: puzzle makers, someone who can turn my puzzle ideas into something for the web

2. becoming hayes - a series of photoshoots of me dressed and styled like iconic photos of darren hayes, and in the process examining gender, identity, and fannish emulation (already he's making me question my gender presentation, which is interesting)
need: stylists, photographers, hair/makeup, people good with costumes

3. creatrixes of awesome - a(n e-)book interviewing awesome people with each interviewee contributing a how-to on some subject or other. i actually started this on tumblr but ran out of steam (and ran away from tumblr).
need: people to interview!

4. witness - a workshop that guides people into creating burlesque acts based on their truths, with a showcase afterwards. raw, gritty, dashed with sparkles and wit.
need: other people to teach. a time, a place, people that want to learn.

there's likely going to be more; I'm a mistress of ideas. Execution isn't my strongest point but I work all right in teams.

join me?

I have a long-running fantasy, strong both in vanilla and kinky ways, existant one way or another since I was an adolescent (if not younger): being taken under the wing of strong powerful women, trained and mentored in the skills and attributes that would allow me to emulate their poise and confidence, and then rockin' the world with the power of Creatrixness around me.

The fantasy was one part Priestesses of Avalon meets Riot Grrrl, headed by a FemDom with queer feminist sensibilities. Grit, glitter, magic, mayhem, charisma, confidence: a heady mix strong within my core, permeating everything I do, attractive and powerful.

Currently I feel like a stumbling bumbling mass of random chaotic energy, much like the above diagram of the motions of a double (Rott's) pendulum. It's raw and messy and in some senses artistically appealing - but it can also be overwhelming and hard to understand. I don't see that changing anytime soon, and frankly I'm not sure I want to, but I would like to be able to better harness and channel that energy to create more potent, powerful change and effects. To be more confident in myself. To be more awesome, really.

If there was a queer, feminist, sex-positive version of Ladette to Lady I'd sign up in a second.

I want to make 2012 the Year of this transformation: a year dedicated to learning the skills and attributes I need to be the person I want to be. The tricky thing is finding people to train me and mentor me - there are plenty of role models I can look up to, and I can do self-study, but I work best under guidance and I have long desired a mentor-protege relationship that was more than just superficial. Just as important to me as my development are the relationships I hope to make with my mentors and trainers: intimate, trusting, bonding, strong, magical. I have felt this before to some degree (mostly as being part of a local women's circus) and the benefits are boundless.

This plan is still in early stages - right now I'm mostly trying to define what I'm after, which is somewhat difficult as my impressions are less verbal and more sensory. Pictures, colours, moods, vibes. I have started a Pinterest board of my inspirations for the 2012 Transformation, and I reckon I'll spend some time looking over Tara Sophia Mohr's questions for 2012. In the meantime, here are some starter thoughts for what I aim to be:

Traits and attributes: Confident, self-assured, strong core, focused, determined, charming, charismatic, influential, erotic, sexy, attractive, persuasive, flexible, rooted, dynamic, respected, powerful, magical, doesn't give a fuck, poised, calm, collected, resourceful

Influential archetypes/characters: Dominatrixes, courtesans, rock stars, activists, rabble-rousers, witches, High Priestesses, "horrible prettiness", queer female icons, flamboyant stage performers, Zorro, Catwoman, Batwoman, Joan Jett, librarians

Style notes: Red, black, purple, white, sleek, punk-rock, boots, fascinators, minimalist burlesque, classic, Adult Industry CEO, tomboy femme, suit femme, futch/soft butch, fedoras, feathers, glitter, raw glam, gritty

Things To Learn:

• How to be more self-confident and self-assured rather than awkward and gangly
• Being stronger in my convictions in person
• Being able to hold my ground and manage rejection in person
• Command respect, honour, and admiration without using fear or intimidation
• Keeping fit, healthy, strong, and flexible
• Developing a sense of style that encourages feelings of inner power
• Unleashing my Erotic Power (tm Vixen Noir)
• Being able to draw influence and persuade others - good rhetoric
• Speaking, presenting, voice skills
• Alternative leadership (for non-typical situations)
• Domme/Dominatrix psychology and other skills
• How to be more attractive to other queer women
• How to provide excellent service and also be able to command it from others